


helpless

by syncopate (orphan_account)



Series: hanahaki disease [4]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, het!taekey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 09:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9483902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/syncopate
Summary: for a reckless moment gwiboon wonders what he would do if she said, "trying to figure out how to tell you i don't love you that way." instead she lowers the camera she's been fiddling with and smiles gently at him."nothing, taemin."





	

**Author's Note:**

> oops?  
> posting before i run off for lunar new year activities~  
> don't hate me!

when he looks up at her it's soft; that kind of soft un-guardedness that people don't usually see on him. he's the boy who doesn't show emotion. he's the boy who doesn't want to feel. they are similar in that way; the girl who uses laughter to hide, the boy who pretends to be oblivious.

 

but when he's with her sometimes it's obvious, and maybe she should worry about that, worry about what's taking seed in his heart, worry about wants and desires, worry about cracks in the heart she doesn't know how to fill.

 

"gwiboon noona," he calls, and when he smiles, the affection there is heartbreaking. because it's offered to her like a sacrifice, a useless one, something she doesn't know what to do with. "what are you thinking about?"

 

for a reckless moment gwiboon wonders what he would do if she said, "trying to figure out how to tell you i don't love you that way." instead she lowers the camera she's been fiddling with and smiles gently at him.

 

"nothing, taemin."

 

taemin grins at her and it's still heartbreaking, because he looks so much like a child sometimes. and she doesn't want to break his heart. she brushes her hand over his hair and he leans into her touch and she wishes, just a little, that she could give him what he wants.

 

he slips out of the living room as his brother walks in.

 

"he's in love with you," jinki says without preamble, once they hear taemin's door close.

 

she sighs, tilts her head and lets jinki press his lips there in a brief kiss. "i know."

 

"and everyone knows you're in love with _me_ ," jinki continues, grinning.

 

"you fucking _wish_."

 

when jinki laughs, gwiboon sighs, and slides down the couch a little to lean her head on jinki's shoulder. "i'm gonna break your baby brother's heart."

 

she feels jinki shrug against her cheek. "it's not anything that wouldn't happen sooner or later," he says gently. "it's not your fault he fell. puppy love is always so dramatic."

 

gwiboon doesn't answer. just thinks of the teenager probably crouched over his laptop typing furiously and hopes the elasticity of youth can hold him together.

 

"now who's the girl ming said you were eyeing at work?" jinki breaks the silence.

 

gwiboon makes a face, feeling heat in her cheeks, and turns away from jinki. "your boyfriend talks too much."

 

"you're cute when you have a crush."

 

ignoring the knowing grin on jinki's face, gwiboon starts talking about the reason she came to visit her best friend in the first place. "she's the new music teacher at the school. she's so _small_ , i could hide her whole body behind mine…"

 

~-~

 

the day jinki finds out taemin has hanahaki disease is the day gwiboon goes on her first very successful date with junghee.

 

almost skipping back to her apartment after it's over, her steps falter when she sees a grim-faced jinki and a wide-eyed, sheepish taemin at her door. jinki's fingers are tight around taemin's bony wrist, as if afraid he'll run.

 

"what's going on?" gwiboon asks.

 

"don't tell her," taemin snaps, before jinki can form any words.

 

jinki's laughter is harsh. "don't be a bloody fool."

 

there is tension between them so palpable, gwiboon feels almost like it's pressing against her chest, like she can't breathe past it.

 

"don't fight," she whispers. "just tell me what's going on."

 

"this fool," jinki shakes at taemin's arm, "threw up flowers this morning, has apparently been throwing up flowers for two weeks. and won't go for the fucking operation."

 

"don't call him that," gwiboon says, on instinct. and jinki sighs and rakes fingers through his hair.

 

silence falls between them, and gwiboon takes the opportunity to really look at taemin; his long toned dancer limbs, his mutinous stare, his full lips jutting out in a mulish scowl, the way he just won't look at her. this boy she watched grow up, her best friend's younger brother. he's eighteen, and she's twenty four, but somehow today the six years between them feel like centuries.

 

"do you guys want to come in?" she asks eventually, gesturing at the closed door behind the brothers.

 

"would it achieve anything?" jinki sighs again, and for an instant he looks so old. "he's in love with you, and he thinks it's worth dying for."

 

turning to his brother, jinki cups tender palms around taemin's face. "let the surgery take the feelings away," he whispers.

 

"i want to keep loving her," taemin says back, his eyes only on his brother's teary ones.

 

"she likes girls," jinki says wearily. "you're not a girl."

 

it sounds like a conversation rehashed too many times before.

 

with gentle hands, gwiboon shifts jinki away and takes his place in front of taemin. "pretty, isn't it? flowers growing in your lungs. makes you feel a little like you're a tragic hero."

 

there's wariness in the eyes that taemin turns on her. "they're lilies," he says, dreamily. "elegant and beautiful. like you."

 

gwiboon allows herself a small smile. "don't hold on to impossible things," she tells him. "it hurts, doesn't it? here." she touches gentle fingers to his chest where his heart beats, and he shivers.

 

"it's hard to breathe," he says. "painful. but worth it."

 

"really?" gwiboon smiles. "i remember being in love once, with someone who didn't love me. flowers taste like soil don't they?"

 

she brushes her hand over his hair. "you'll fall in love again, with someone else. and she'll look back at you, and take your love with open arms. and flowers won't need to grow in your lungs. because they'll be in her eyes, in her touch, in her smiles."

 

"is that how you feel with that music teacher?"

 

gwiboon lets her thoughts wander to junghee and the way she would giggle at gwiboon's awkward jokes, at her shyness that turned into boldness and a sharp tongue as the evening wore on, at her large pretty eyes that showed each expression clear. "i hope so," she answers frankly.

 

the fall of taemin's expression is not missed.

 

"do the surgery, taemin. some things really aren't worth dying for."

 

taemin nods at her, but she thinks maybe he might not actually be agreeing. jinki catches her eye and raises his hands. _you did what you could_ , he mouths.

 

as they walk away, she watches their backs and _hopes_.

 

~-~

 

taemin doesn't do the surgery, he holds on to the feelings like a crutch. and gwiboon goes over to visit less because he will look at her pathetic but certain, desperate and longing, and there will be too many lily petals, torn up, shredded, scattered in darkened corners, forgotten in the stress.

 

he flinches from her touch, turns away from her beseeching pleas, and once when in a moment of desperation she deliberately kissed junghee full on the mouth in view of him, he had screamed. and the petals fall from his mouth, too many to count, and they will choke him one day, they will suffocate him.

 

"i'm literally killing him," she tells junghee later, and junghee's eyes are sorrowful and soft, but helpless. you couldn't force someone to give up love.

 

"he's killing _himself_ ," she corrects gwiboon. gwiboon doesn't say anything in response, just leans into junghee and presses close, her heartbeat in her ears like a steady pulse of certainty. she's _happy_ with junghee and it makes guilt hammer at her chest, attempt to break her ribs.

 

~-~

 

it's only after jinki finds blood intermingled with the petals and sobs like a baby in front of him that taemin agrees to do the surgery.

 

when minho tells gwiboon, she cuts a date with junghee short and rushes to the hospital.

 

"he wants to see you," minho tells her. his arm is around jinki, almost like he's holding him together. and jinki looks grey, too old. the touch of death still lingering close enough to drain him.

 

taemin looks worse, skeletal and haggard. and guilt finds a home under her ribs again.

 

when she draws near, he smiles. and it's still soft, still unguarded. like his heart is still hers.

 

"kiss me," he says. "just once, before the feelings are taken away."

 

his eyes are pleading and even as she hesitates, she knows she will do it. even if it's just a little warped. leaning over, she brushes her mouth over his, meaning to just give him a shallow, chaste kiss. but taemin reaches over and claws at her, and it's desperate and needy and he kisses her like he's drowning and she's the only source of air. she goes still and waits it out, and when his tears come they wet her face too.

 

"i'm sorry," he says when he lets her go. and she shakes her head.

 

"don't be sorry for loving."

 

he smiles then, almost like the childish smiles he used to give her, way back when. and his nod is steely. "you can tell the doctor i'm ready," he says.

  
she leaves his room with a heart that's a just little bit lighter.


End file.
